I'm just going to write.
I have video but not the energy or focus to get it posted now. Later.
Staring through the camera lens spared me for the first miles as I focused on the mechanics of taping.
It just goes on and on and on and on............
And then it hits. I felt my chin tremble and my eyes water up. There are no words to it. Just emotion. Did I want to talk? Words just fail miserably in the sight of this place. I thought "I can't film this anymore." I wanted to tell Lisa "I just can't do it. Stop. I need a break." But I fought through it and kept taping. We passed more and more........
blocks of houses torn apart,
cars upside down,
wheelchair in debris,
the paintings on each house marking the search results,
0's.... good to see the zeros,
a house off it's foundation blocking the road,
dead dog painted on this house, dead cat written on the next,
someones suits hanging in a closet.
On and on and on.............
That feeling got stronger and wouldn't pass. I felt the tears coming down my cheeks now. I wanted to just throw the camera down and to hell with showing this to you guys. I wanted to look away. You can't. It's everywhere. I wanted to close my eyes. I couldn't. I can't give you analysis or perspective or even thoughts. It's just raw fucking emotion and I can't even tell you what emotion....sadness, despair, shame, anger? They're just words. This is beyond words.
I've been back an hour and my chin still trembles and the tears still come. Everyone says you need to decompress after seeing this. I didn't think it would do this to ME. I'm strong. I'm tough. Jesus how fucking wrong was I. How do you decompress? I don't know what to do the next few hours but I know it won't be work. I feel like I want to just crawl off somewhere for the rest of the day.
Now I sense an anger beginning. I don't even want to go there. It swells up....fucking George W. Bush. Who else? Everyone else? Even you? It subsides.
I'm going to go decompress....however the hell you do that. I don't want to say anything I'll regret. Forgive me if this makes no sense. Forgive me for spilling half my guts and believe me it is only half.
UPDATE: I have decompressed. I took to the couch for a nap so as to just turn everything off. Then we went out for a nice lunch. I do feel ok now.
One thing to keep in mind. It isn't just the 9th Ward. It is everywhere. You can drive for miles and miles and see destruction. I think that is important to understand.